The Next Time I Decide To Fly Three Airplanes in Two Countries with Two Children in One Day, Someone Please Just Throw A Shoe Directly At My Forehead

When I was preparing for my trip to Texas the thing I was most concerned about was getting through customs in Newark with two children, a stroller, a car seat on my back and all our luggage in tow. In actuality, this part of our trip went surprisingly well. I'm sure I looked like a freak show, but hey, we made it through. Things really started getting interesting when we went to board our plane in Newark.

First off, I hate the Newark airport, always have. The people there are so rude, the planes are never on time and the place is just generally dirty. It seems that everytime I board a plane in Newark passengers always crowd around gate way before they are called, which is a pain for me because as a traveller with small children, I usually get to board right after first class. This is so I can get my small children and car seat situated without having to work around a packed plane. I was not allowed to board early yesterday. When I did get up to the gate things were just crazy with so many people impatiently waiting to get on and then they had to tag my stroller since they check it at the door. And of course they had to question my car seat backpack, what's in there?...should I have checked it? oh it's going in the seat? did you buy a seat for you baby m'am? because the flight is full....arrrrrrgggggghhhhh, just let me on the plane before I prompt one of my children to throw up right here at the gate.

So once I step on the plane I realize that the passports I had in my hand at the gate are no longer in my hand and thus must have been dropped somewhere along the last 20 feet that I just walked. I quickly approach a flight attendant and let her know what I just so stupidly did to which she replies, "Federal regulations do not allow me to get off this plane, m'am." Really?? Do federal regulations allow to call someone at the gate and ask them to look down at the floor and pick up my passports? To which she replies, "Do you have your boarding pass?"

I dig out my boarding pass as she disappears and when she comes back by she totally forgets what I had asked her before. I remind her and hand off my boarding pass. Ten minutes later, the door to the plane is shut and she tells me that no one saw anything...sorry.

At this point I try to take myself to a good place, a place where I tell myself my passports will find me somehow. I will not be stuck in Texas forever, I will be able to get back to Canada.

Then...

"This is your captain speaking, we just found out as we were pulling away from the gate that there is some sort of delay along our route, probably weather. We'll be sitting here for a little bit until we find out more information which we will pass along to you. Feel free to turn on your electronic devices and thank you for your patience."

Did I mention that we only had a one hour layover in Houston? Happy Place, Happy Place, go to my happy place. We will make our flight, the passports will come back to me. I am willing it so.

We took off about 25 minutes delayed. When we landed in Houston and I got our stroller back, there was Avery's passport sitting in the top, but mine and Ryleigh's were not anywhere to be seen and we had 20 minutes to make our connecting flight which is at gate 29, we are at 19. Time to run. So we run, all the way to the other side of the terminal, only to find out that our gate had been changed to gate 22, right next to the gate that we just landed at.

Really God, Really??

So, we run back and get there just in time. I'm sweaty, the girls are not happy, but we made our flight, now I just have to get the car seat set out and....what? excuse me? you need to what?

Some douchebag male flight attendent informs me that he needs to inspect my car seat to make sure it is rated for airplane use. I have to admit, I quickly morphed into THAT passenger. THAT passenger that is not happy and is letting the wonderful folks that keep us safe in the air know that I am NOT happy. I WILL be using this car seat whether it's rated for whatever or whatever. I paid for my daughter to have her own seat and federal regulations (to quote a previous douchebag flight attendent) allow me to hold her in my lap so if I want to strap her to a coffee can in her own seat, I damn sure will. I have been flying with this carseat and a baby for four years and I have NEVER had my carseat inspected by some douchebag male flight attendent!

Oh god, I'm not going to make it. I just don't think DFW is within my sights anymore. They're going to take my children away and throw me in a cell with the shoe bomber.

Scared, he turns and heads to the front of the plane as I strap my approved car seat into the plane seat, sit down with my girls on either side and work on holding back the tears. I lost my passport, my husband is going to kill me. I don't have our birth certificates, I'm going to have to drive to Austin on Monday to get new birth certificates and pay out the butt to have passports made in two weeks.

Now a new flight attendent is stopping at our aisle with some paper in her hand. She's eyeing Avery and as I prepare to inform her that I did pay for my baby to have her own seat she asks for our last name. I say Montgomery and she hands me what she has in her hand and asks "Did you lose these?"

Oh my god, my passports! Thank you, thank you, thank you! She tells me that they were found in the hallway where we boarded our last plane and I told her my story about how I knew that's where they were and the flight attendent on the last flight wouldn't help me and THANK YOU!

She walked away, the plane took off and one hour last we were welcomed by Aunt Becca at DFW. She took us straight to have some Mexican food and then home for some much needed showers and rest.

As we were driving away from the airport Ryleigh spotted a plane taking off and said "Airplane! Airplane!" "Yeah Honey, Airplane." "Mom, I'm really tired of airplanes today. I don't think I ever want to fly three airplanes in one day again."

Me neither baby, me neither.